I don't know if I can or will write a blog everyday. I might, we will have to see. I wasn't going to write today actually. A few things prompted the post. First, I wanted to clear up that while I am 375lbs and morbidly obese, and while I am currently pursuing weight loss surgery, this is NOT a blog about that. I have found early on in my life that writing helps me clear my head and I am good at it. Not in the technical sense, I will probably never get paid for it but I enjoy writing and I have found people enjoy reading what I write, for the most part. This is just part of the plan, to write on what's going on in my life rather than picking up a sandwich or a slice of pizza. I could simply buy a journal I know but something about others reading it make me feel I am heard.
Secondly, I had my psych evaluation for my vertical sleeve surgery. It's mostly just one more hurdle to get over but the counselor had a good spirit about her. I was more honest with her than I have been with anyone in a long time and I was shocked in a way. I don't know if it was simply her open spirit, or my soul was crying out for a cleaning, or just maybe this surgery is so life changing it inspired me to reveal more of the person I'm leaving behind. Regardless I found myself talking to her about the stress I'm under and for the life of me I can't remember what, but while I was telling her some truly horrific detail of the stress behind me being overweight I laughed. The woman sat back and sort of blinked with a blank expression and then she began to nod, saying that I had a wonderfully resilient personality, that despite all that I have been through I can still laugh. I get this reaction a lot so I think I will clarify to those that don't know me.
I am not a negative person at all that throws herself pity parties. I am generally not a dark person either and I do enjoy laughing but I want to be clear, I do not think everything is funny. It is a trait I inherited from both my mother and my father, this coping mechanism of "laughing" things off, like some people would shrug things off. Often times I cling desperately to the humor of situations just to get through them. I would not say I am jovial and at any given moment I am much closer to tears rather than laughter. Crying in public, or throwing a grown woman temper tantrum, hell, cursing someone out, all of it, are socially unacceptable where as laughter is not. I am sure there are days when I look as if somethings wrong because I'm not laughing/smiling. I am also sure as I lose weight and become more comfortable in my skin I will do both less but if you know me, I ask that you take it as a compliment. I simply trust you enough to relax my guard.
Any way, I'm still working on the blog, more changes to come. I will leave you with a word from Ethel Barrymore that I found appropriate to this post. "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--at yourself."
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