I just needed a break today. I am SO SICK OF HEALTHCARE and the more obese I have become the more obsessed I am forced to become with it. It's bad enough I'm a nurse and for at least 3 days a week I listen to my unfortunate senior population at the hospital and all the sacrifices they have to make to make ends meet. Add to it the fact that I come home to a sick mother transitioning into dialysis. Recently, in pursuit of my surgery I have had to reacquaint myself with healthcare. I went from in August having an OTC allergy medication to being on Lisinopril, Dulera, Wellbutrin, Janumet, and Singulair. Really? I went t having no doctor to seeing three and having an appointment with one or the other at least once a week until the end of the year. People go to their doctor to make themselves feel better but instead I feel more sick. My vertical sleeve is scheduled for end of February, first of March. I am itching for it to be next week just so I can stop being a walking target for the system. I hate bashing on my profession but I am sick to death of being made to feel I need a pill for every moment of my life, that I am to sick to breathe much less live without a referral or physician supervision! In June of next year I am going on a cruise and I am going to ride the hell out of some roller coasters. Sounds really lame but this is what I keep my focus on right now so I don't just shut down.
I know it is going to get better I am just low on financial and spiritual resources right now. So, on that note I bid thee goodnight and pass on this quote. "So many people spend their health gaining wealth and then must spend their wealth regaining health." ---A.J. Reb Materi
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
You're not that funny
I don't know if I can or will write a blog everyday. I might, we will have to see. I wasn't going to write today actually. A few things prompted the post. First, I wanted to clear up that while I am 375lbs and morbidly obese, and while I am currently pursuing weight loss surgery, this is NOT a blog about that. I have found early on in my life that writing helps me clear my head and I am good at it. Not in the technical sense, I will probably never get paid for it but I enjoy writing and I have found people enjoy reading what I write, for the most part. This is just part of the plan, to write on what's going on in my life rather than picking up a sandwich or a slice of pizza. I could simply buy a journal I know but something about others reading it make me feel I am heard.
Secondly, I had my psych evaluation for my vertical sleeve surgery. It's mostly just one more hurdle to get over but the counselor had a good spirit about her. I was more honest with her than I have been with anyone in a long time and I was shocked in a way. I don't know if it was simply her open spirit, or my soul was crying out for a cleaning, or just maybe this surgery is so life changing it inspired me to reveal more of the person I'm leaving behind. Regardless I found myself talking to her about the stress I'm under and for the life of me I can't remember what, but while I was telling her some truly horrific detail of the stress behind me being overweight I laughed. The woman sat back and sort of blinked with a blank expression and then she began to nod, saying that I had a wonderfully resilient personality, that despite all that I have been through I can still laugh. I get this reaction a lot so I think I will clarify to those that don't know me.
I am not a negative person at all that throws herself pity parties. I am generally not a dark person either and I do enjoy laughing but I want to be clear, I do not think everything is funny. It is a trait I inherited from both my mother and my father, this coping mechanism of "laughing" things off, like some people would shrug things off. Often times I cling desperately to the humor of situations just to get through them. I would not say I am jovial and at any given moment I am much closer to tears rather than laughter. Crying in public, or throwing a grown woman temper tantrum, hell, cursing someone out, all of it, are socially unacceptable where as laughter is not. I am sure there are days when I look as if somethings wrong because I'm not laughing/smiling. I am also sure as I lose weight and become more comfortable in my skin I will do both less but if you know me, I ask that you take it as a compliment. I simply trust you enough to relax my guard.
Any way, I'm still working on the blog, more changes to come. I will leave you with a word from Ethel Barrymore that I found appropriate to this post. "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--at yourself."
Secondly, I had my psych evaluation for my vertical sleeve surgery. It's mostly just one more hurdle to get over but the counselor had a good spirit about her. I was more honest with her than I have been with anyone in a long time and I was shocked in a way. I don't know if it was simply her open spirit, or my soul was crying out for a cleaning, or just maybe this surgery is so life changing it inspired me to reveal more of the person I'm leaving behind. Regardless I found myself talking to her about the stress I'm under and for the life of me I can't remember what, but while I was telling her some truly horrific detail of the stress behind me being overweight I laughed. The woman sat back and sort of blinked with a blank expression and then she began to nod, saying that I had a wonderfully resilient personality, that despite all that I have been through I can still laugh. I get this reaction a lot so I think I will clarify to those that don't know me.
I am not a negative person at all that throws herself pity parties. I am generally not a dark person either and I do enjoy laughing but I want to be clear, I do not think everything is funny. It is a trait I inherited from both my mother and my father, this coping mechanism of "laughing" things off, like some people would shrug things off. Often times I cling desperately to the humor of situations just to get through them. I would not say I am jovial and at any given moment I am much closer to tears rather than laughter. Crying in public, or throwing a grown woman temper tantrum, hell, cursing someone out, all of it, are socially unacceptable where as laughter is not. I am sure there are days when I look as if somethings wrong because I'm not laughing/smiling. I am also sure as I lose weight and become more comfortable in my skin I will do both less but if you know me, I ask that you take it as a compliment. I simply trust you enough to relax my guard.
Any way, I'm still working on the blog, more changes to come. I will leave you with a word from Ethel Barrymore that I found appropriate to this post. "You grow up the day you have your first real laugh--at yourself."
Monday, September 19, 2011
In the beginning...
I started a blog eight years ago with my friend and just never kept it up. I restarted one four years ago on my MySpace account and really missed it. After I stopped updating it I found that there were more people than I thought reading it. Keeping that in mind I have decided, in one of the most profound decisions of my life, I should track my journey both emotionally and physically with a blog site, not named for a self depreciating slur but as a nod to my deceased brother Jeffrey who lovingly referred to me as "Fat Girl".
So, most of you already know me if you are reading this or at least some version of me. I will try my best not to be confusing or vague and would appreciate feedback, be it positive or negative.
I am a 31 year old bi-racial single female from the glorious state of Florida. In 2008, I graduated with an associate degree of nursing from a state college and began working as a registered nurse. I work at an HCA hospital in Jacksonville on a Med-Surg/Oncology floor where I have been doing my time until my director feels like allowing me the privilege of getting chemo certified. My ultimate goal is to become an Oncology nurse but even by my own admission I still have many miles to go. I am painfully introverted and find it much easier to bare my soul to the internet and social networking sites where my words are immortalized forever than have a deep and meaningful conversation with the people of my life. Hopefully as I proceed with my blogging it will become apparent to me why that is or at least more apparent to some of you.
So, most of you already know me if you are reading this or at least some version of me. I will try my best not to be confusing or vague and would appreciate feedback, be it positive or negative.
I am a 31 year old bi-racial single female from the glorious state of Florida. In 2008, I graduated with an associate degree of nursing from a state college and began working as a registered nurse. I work at an HCA hospital in Jacksonville on a Med-Surg/Oncology floor where I have been doing my time until my director feels like allowing me the privilege of getting chemo certified. My ultimate goal is to become an Oncology nurse but even by my own admission I still have many miles to go. I am painfully introverted and find it much easier to bare my soul to the internet and social networking sites where my words are immortalized forever than have a deep and meaningful conversation with the people of my life. Hopefully as I proceed with my blogging it will become apparent to me why that is or at least more apparent to some of you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)