Thursday, May 10, 2012

Twas The Night Before Surgery...

I don't know how long this blog will be but I felt like I owed it to everyone to write this, on the eve of one of the most important moment in my life.  The day went by so fast to me.  It is a Thursday that I could easily forget except that it is also my deceased brother's birthday.  That I would never forget.

First, I woke up this morning with a kink in my neck laying across my bed with a pile of unfolded clothes, my cat Basil blinking at me.  This was because I know my Aunt Barbara, my cancer fighting warrior and knowing her I figured she was coming well before the 6pm hour she had told me previously.  In an attempt to anticipate the early arrival I came right home from work and began doing a deep cleaning.  I was all of 30 minutes in and I passed out exactly where I sat watching "Family Guy".

My Mom had already jetted to dialysis and the adventure via JTA to her podiatrist and I was alone.  "Johnny Test" was now on, the sun was shining bright and I was behind.  I jumped up, pulled my hair back and began to do multiple tasks at a time.  It was only 830am.  By 1045, true to form, my Aunt Barbara calls me lost at Dunn Avenue because they've changed the signs to 9A to read 295 North.  I go into hyper drive and finish the house, wash the funk off, just in time to answer the door.

By then it was time to go shopping for all my post surgical diet items and as I get to the foods I begin to freak out.  No more "good eats".  No more regular size meals.  I am saying goodbye to it all.  I don't know what happens after tomorrow, my future is an excitingly blank slate.  WOW.

The rest of the day was a blur, probably because I forgot to eat and my sugar was bottoming out, something I fear for the future or maybe because the injury of only a few weeks ago flared up.  All I know is suddenly I was struggling to remain upright and I was mentally done.  I drank some water, ate dinner and began to feel better but even still I just was all over the place and I kept zoning out.  My mother leaned over and whispered she sang my brother happy birthday and felt like he was there with her today.  My aunt said the same.  I just took a step back and reflected.  My brother is always close to me and yet just out of reach on any given day.  I am particularly sad on his birthday because I know that it is one more he will never see.  I regret not being able to save him.  Today was different though, I am still sad but I feel buoyed by love, not only his, but everyone on this side and the next.  I feel both sad for the friend (food) that I am leaving behind and excited that I am loved, I have felt loved even as a super obese person, and that love will stay big and warm around me as the weight falls down like so much rain.

I am not big on bible verses and sermons.  Hey if anyone has been paying attention I just attended my first church service in 18 years.  Tonight though, as it rolls over to midnight and a new day, I have to draw strength and calm from the two sermons from the pastor of the church I hope to soon belong to.  The most recent one was:  though the world seems overwhelming and poison (snake bites) are trying to take you out, you have got to "SHAKE IT OFF".  The first sermon I heard pretty much described the last 10 years of my life and put it into perspective for me.  "CHANGE LOOKS LIKE CHAOS UNTIL THE WORK IS DONE."  It's been a long time people but the work is coming to completion and I know I've looked a many kind of ways in  the past, maybe like I wasn't going to be part of those who made it through but God moves in me suddenly and surely.  I may look like a hot mess but that's God, he just aint through with me yet.

God bless us all and thank you in advance for pulling me through this even when I counted myself out.

Yours Always,

Fat Girl