Thursday, August 8, 2013


I had not realized it's been so long since I posted to my blog.  It is strange to look back and read some of these.  Particularly since some of my hopes are becoming reality and it is not what it seems.

I did a major life overhaul about the time of my last blog.  I went back to school with a devilish determination to complete my education.  I also decided that I did not want to work in medical/surgical/oncology any more.  I posted my two week notice and did a huge dramatic post about a chapter closing in my life.  I had no idea where that would take me.

Now here I am eight months later in complete awe of myself and only a wee bit ashamed.  I have been working as a dialysis nurse for five months now in a leadership position.  I am proud of that.  I continue to struggle with the balance of being a kind person and people seeing me as a force to be reckoned with.  The problem I have is that there is no middle ground.  I am either reserved and passive (so I've been told) or a fiery bitch that is clearly in hormone overdrive (so I've also been told).  I want to be taken seriously and be heard and I am wondering how to go about that transition.  Only time will tell.

I also am 10 weeks away from FINALLY graduating with my BSN.  It feels so great and despite much encouragement, I think this is the last I'll see of school on this side of 40.  I have seen friends struggle too hard to manage family with education.  It is something I admire but that I will never envy nor emulate.  Life is waiting.

Which brings me to the biggest change in my life only I don't know if I should call it a change at all.  I was introduced through pictures to a Cuban relative of one of my patients.  It all began as a joke.  When asked for what I want back from the trip I responded cigars.  I am sure there was some racy commentary that I am ever thankful I could not interpret but the result was I exchanged pictures with a very handsome someone.  We are apparently two goal oriented people and were practically engaged and having kids before we'd ever heard each other's voices.  This was a huge painful mistake that resulted in misunderstandings and my self esteem being pummeled.  I can say now that I was devastated by my own insecurity and this is my shame.  I totally became one of those silly emotional girls.  Only now after making him feel horrible, calling off my trip to Cuba indefinitely, and leaving us both in an awkward place where we have no idea how to go back am I realizing that all the insecurity that I thought was shed with the pounds is only hiding just below the surface waiting for the next opportunity to rear it's ugly head.

In short, he panicked, as did I to some extent.  It started when we heard each other's voice the first time and we were both too shocked to speak to one another in Spanish or English.  We laughed it off but deep down it made us both uneasy and reminded us of the long road we have ahead, if we even want to pave ahead.  Instead of taking the time to absorb that information, I instead pressed on based off of assumptions and discussions with his family member.  Then my schedule was changed and I was not going to see the family member anymore so my questions returned to him in full force, unaware of the sea of shock and anxiety swirling in his own brain.  Now I don't fault myself for not knowing his thoughts I fault myself for not carefully reading his emails with an objective mind because after everything blew up in my face it became abundantly clear on review that he was trying to tell me something all along.  Of course the same day I send him swimsuit pictures I also sent him an oblivious email tipping the scales into full on panic.  His response was abrupt and hurtful even when reviewed in an impartial light, and certainly came out of nowhere to me but what really summoned the emotional beast was a crappy week of changes that us Scorpios will fight tooth and nail to prevent and the fact that the response immediately followed my swimsuit pictures.

So here we are now and I'm learning a few things about myself.  One, a relationship is between two people and only those two people will truly understand.  Friends and family have no place there, no matter how well their intentions.  If I had listened to my protective masses, I would not be giving him a second chance and I probably would have never fully understood what really had happened but instead would have been left with the assumption that he did not/does not find me attractive, something he had to defend vehemently, again to my own great shame.  I never realized I was so petty and insecure.

Two, and this was brought to my attention by a friend, I am immature when it comes to relationships.  This was hard for me to accept because I am a person of such strong character that excels at what ever I have set my mind to.  Alas, I am more damaged by my past than I was willing to accept.  I pray that this does not come between us but I am hesitant to call this a done deal or water under the bridge for us just yet.  This weekend, during our technologically designated hiatus from communicating (unless I want another dreadful incident) I will be doing some major soul searching and deconstructing so I can rebuild anew.  To all my cheerleaders, I know you will tell me not to change a single thing and that I am perfect just the way I am but please refer to my first epiphany.  I feel with everything that this person is the one to spend a lifetime with.  I could be wrong, I will be hurt again and even yet again still but only time will tell with this.  For now, all I know is, I will not be posing for any swim suit pics for the duration of the summer. LOL. I also realize Cuba is further than even Google Search could advise me.

Hopefully not as long as it used to be,

Fat Girl

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