Monday, September 24, 2012

Beyond the weight

I am currently weighing in at 287lbs.  That brings my total to 90lbs and I am hitting probably my third hurdle.  Most people call these plateaus but I refuse because I will get through this and the plateau indicates stagnancy to me.  So, here is my first major hurdle because I am also coming to realize the next half of this weight loss is an all or nothing effort.

The Zumba thing is a work in progress.  The skating thing is a pray about it situation.  It is now too cold to swim and that leaves me walking.  This mornings walk of 4 miles felt great.  I did it in 64 minutes and that felt amazing. My arms are sore but in the best way possible.  I will succeed and reach goal weight, I do work hard for this.  My weight loss surgery only helped me in what I knew was necessary.  I have too much at stake not to do more.  In the mean time, I promise not to say anything else about what I'm going to do.  Apparently a few people in my life have become upset that I talk so much and don't follow through.  At the end of the day I think my definition of follow through is different than theirs.  On this blog, I promise to try what ever it takes to make a better me.  It doesn't mean that I enjoy it, that it's successful, and/or that I will do it more than once. I'm not mad, just focused and when I hear negativity or get side eyed it impacts me negatively.  Along that thought process, instead of telling people to get lost, I will just keep my mouth shut and my feet moving.

I am preparing for competition.  In June 2013 I am sprinting a 100 yard course with my brother to have him give up smoking.  Of all the motivation, this one moves me the most.  I can do this.  I was born a runner.  If you don't know, ask my brother.  Hey, you can even ask the purse snatcher I ran down to take back my purse.  My nickname should be Kid Adrenaline because while I might look like a big, slow, cow I have always had the wind beneath my feet.  All my friends can tell you regardless of my size I move fast.  A lot faster than I talk so don't get it twisted.  You might be surprised and since my brother has apparently forgotten, he will be too.

School is holding still again.  I have to wait until January to start but I'm making progress.  Instead of the 30 credits I had to take at UCF I will have to complete 22 at JU.  I was asked if I'm ready.  Hmm, to take a specialty and get the heck out of the hospital, BSN, OCN, and Dialysis certified.  Why yes I am! Working this hard doesn't make any sense! Next career path please!  I mean God bless those that make a hospital their life time work but I am not nor will I ever be one of them.  My plans are to enjoy this new body and better frame of mind, not be broken by 35.  For all those that read the blog regularly then you know that age is decreasing for me.  That place is just too much.

For all curious on my vague post recently on men, I am not dating.  I haven't even had a nibble.  I don't know what that is about but let me just say that I really want a sweetie by V-day.  Not for the candy and cards.  I am just ready for change and I feel like, with all of my goals if I set them, develop them, and not let myself toss them aside or forget, 5-6 months, when I'm about 220 and looking about 180, I should be attracting some attention.  I don't want to be married but I'm not soliciting a sex partner either, I just want companionship from someone outside of my friends and family.  Sometimes I feel totally alone, tight rope walking, without a safety net.  I don't have another person that I can lean on.  For years I have relied on my friends to be my support system while I was going through my many issues but lately I find no one cares.  I was leaving work Saturday night and was an hour late and I realized no one cared.  I called my brother to ask him about some random nothingness and he rushed me off the phone.  Neither one of my girlfriends called me back.  No one had checked my facebook status that day.  Heck, my own mother hung up the phone on me because she had a headache.  So as I'm driving down beach looking at the 295 South signs I wondered if anyone would give a dang if I just got on the highway and disappeared to nowhere or met my demise?  How long would it take anyone to realize I was gone?  This is what it is like to be utterly alone in a crowded room.

Not going to sink into that pity pool though.  I need to regroup and change that aspect of my life by whatever means necessary.  That is not to say I want 10 calls each night I work asking how my day was and if I'm doing good, bad, or the other (remember, antisocial butterfly).  It simply means that, I can't expect the world to slow down and cater to Tish, I've got to find that someone and make the effort.  If I'm not a priority to anyone then maybe I should start focusing on first making a priority of myself and then actively seeking someone that shares that view.

This also doesn't mean I'm depressed or in a dark place.  To be honest, I feel great both physically, mentally, as well as emotionally.  I just want more and so you guys can understand all that makes up me, I need you to see that I am capable of getting more.

Until next time, One love,

Fat Girl aka "Kid Adrenaline" ;-)


  1. You are doing good! Don't worry about the man thing. That will happen when you least expect it. Lol I met mine playing on the xbox when I had just sworn off men. I believe in you keep up the good work.

  2. I'm not worried about a man. I'm worried about being alone for no reason at all other than I chose to talk to a computer screen. LOL! Shamefully, men don't inspire me half as much as they probably should and I'm afraid that whole "comfort zone" thing is going to turn me into someone that dies in her house and it takes people two months of past due bills to realize she's dead.