I posted cryptically two months ago about the insecurities about my weight that almost prevented me from reaching for my dreams. I can tell you all of those insecurities still exist but are a pale second to what I feel for my first love. He is far from perfect and yet, despite our unlikely origins, he is perfect for me. As happy as I am to have done something so adventuresome as hop a plane(s) to Cuba to take a chance with a virtual stranger, I am also sad at the thought of the long road ahead of us to ensure that I wake up the rest of my life at his side. We have the obvious issues of government and then a slew of personal dragons to slay before we can live out our happily ever after. I've got my game face on though and because nothing in my life has ever come easy, I will fight with everything I have to make this dream come true just like all the ones before.
Many have asked me to tell them all about my trip to Cuba, you know the forbidden one that I didn't go on. It was a difficult trip to explain because while I was excited to take my first trip outside of the United States and have my passport stamped "Mexico". This wasn't a trip to sight see. It was a trip to meet a friend and decide if the potential was there to become more. When he began to show signs of Chicken Pox my trip should have been ruined. In all honesty, we only saw the city for three days, the rest we spent inside with tons of Calamine lotion and sopa, praying for his comfort. As much as I did see of Havana I also did not. Those moments I cared for him though, just the two of us, in our little love shack, were more precious to me than any pictures of the Malecon or iconic statues around the city. The pictures of his joy with his family being together in one room are more valuable than any souvenirs that I did NOT bring back in fear of being arrested and/or fined. These moments, to me, are priceless.
He said we must know each other as friends first and I must say that never happened. Even now, it feels weird acknowledging him as only my boyfriend. My cousin said it best as he is my other half. He has made me believe in love, soul mates, destiny, and all that other romantic gibberish. We were introduced through his brother in law, my patient and from our first email things just shaped into something unusual. Our pasts, despite living in two very different countries and cultures were strangely similar, our struggles the same, our dreams matching, our personalities equally odd! Despite obvious language barriers and misunderstandings things continued to flourish into something special and real.
When we met it was after one of the worst travel days of my life but in his arms everything seemed right. I was racked with nerves at leaving my disabled mother and worried that those I trusted would forget what I had asked of them. I had no way to even ensure anything but once I put my hand in his, I let my worries ease and trusted that the time we had was only ours and well deserved. I don't like taking pictures because I miss the moments and the picture that cost them never mean as much to the people looking at them later as it does to you in the moment. This makes me a terrible photographer. I apologize for the lack of pictures of all the sights in Havana but each picture is my sights in Havana, the most glorious of sights and what I will keep close to my heart for all my life, whether we work out or not.
I wanted some travel guide description to perfectly describe Cuba and the city of Havana but words, fail me. I will say this: If I could write a song of Cuba it would be a colorful song full of twists and turns, highs and lows, fast and slow, happy and sad. It would simply be a song of Giraldo since in my eyes he is Cuba. I do not know all the words and the song may never be finished. Only time knows for sure.
There are broken buildings, broken cars, broken streets, and broken lives. To many this is what you would imagine a broken third world to be. The people of Cuba will prove you wrong though. They possess a gift, a secret that has no price so will never be bought or sold. They know the joy of living. Something lost in this world of mine. They know how to make everything beautiful, even the broken buildings, broken streets, and broken cars. I envy this because now that I have returned, leaving him and his magical city behind, I know the door has closed and I once again must live as I did before, allowing time and money to conquer all.
This place is not for every soul just as peace is not destined for every man but for my own heart I have found a corner of the world big enough to bring me the joy and serenity I have sought for so long but small enough to encourage me to reach for it and keep it close to my heart forever.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Thursday, August 8, 2013
Weird
I had not realized it's been so long since I posted to my blog. It is strange to look back and read some of these. Particularly since some of my hopes are becoming reality and it is not what it seems.
I did a major life overhaul about the time of my last blog. I went back to school with a devilish determination to complete my education. I also decided that I did not want to work in medical/surgical/oncology any more. I posted my two week notice and did a huge dramatic post about a chapter closing in my life. I had no idea where that would take me.
Now here I am eight months later in complete awe of myself and only a wee bit ashamed. I have been working as a dialysis nurse for five months now in a leadership position. I am proud of that. I continue to struggle with the balance of being a kind person and people seeing me as a force to be reckoned with. The problem I have is that there is no middle ground. I am either reserved and passive (so I've been told) or a fiery bitch that is clearly in hormone overdrive (so I've also been told). I want to be taken seriously and be heard and I am wondering how to go about that transition. Only time will tell.
I also am 10 weeks away from FINALLY graduating with my BSN. It feels so great and despite much encouragement, I think this is the last I'll see of school on this side of 40. I have seen friends struggle too hard to manage family with education. It is something I admire but that I will never envy nor emulate. Life is waiting.
Which brings me to the biggest change in my life only I don't know if I should call it a change at all. I was introduced through pictures to a Cuban relative of one of my patients. It all began as a joke. When asked for what I want back from the trip I responded cigars. I am sure there was some racy commentary that I am ever thankful I could not interpret but the result was I exchanged pictures with a very handsome someone. We are apparently two goal oriented people and were practically engaged and having kids before we'd ever heard each other's voices. This was a huge painful mistake that resulted in misunderstandings and my self esteem being pummeled. I can say now that I was devastated by my own insecurity and this is my shame. I totally became one of those silly emotional girls. Only now after making him feel horrible, calling off my trip to Cuba indefinitely, and leaving us both in an awkward place where we have no idea how to go back am I realizing that all the insecurity that I thought was shed with the pounds is only hiding just below the surface waiting for the next opportunity to rear it's ugly head.
In short, he panicked, as did I to some extent. It started when we heard each other's voice the first time and we were both too shocked to speak to one another in Spanish or English. We laughed it off but deep down it made us both uneasy and reminded us of the long road we have ahead, if we even want to pave ahead. Instead of taking the time to absorb that information, I instead pressed on based off of assumptions and discussions with his family member. Then my schedule was changed and I was not going to see the family member anymore so my questions returned to him in full force, unaware of the sea of shock and anxiety swirling in his own brain. Now I don't fault myself for not knowing his thoughts I fault myself for not carefully reading his emails with an objective mind because after everything blew up in my face it became abundantly clear on review that he was trying to tell me something all along. Of course the same day I send him swimsuit pictures I also sent him an oblivious email tipping the scales into full on panic. His response was abrupt and hurtful even when reviewed in an impartial light, and certainly came out of nowhere to me but what really summoned the emotional beast was a crappy week of changes that us Scorpios will fight tooth and nail to prevent and the fact that the response immediately followed my swimsuit pictures.
So here we are now and I'm learning a few things about myself. One, a relationship is between two people and only those two people will truly understand. Friends and family have no place there, no matter how well their intentions. If I had listened to my protective masses, I would not be giving him a second chance and I probably would have never fully understood what really had happened but instead would have been left with the assumption that he did not/does not find me attractive, something he had to defend vehemently, again to my own great shame. I never realized I was so petty and insecure.
Two, and this was brought to my attention by a friend, I am immature when it comes to relationships. This was hard for me to accept because I am a person of such strong character that excels at what ever I have set my mind to. Alas, I am more damaged by my past than I was willing to accept. I pray that this does not come between us but I am hesitant to call this a done deal or water under the bridge for us just yet. This weekend, during our technologically designated hiatus from communicating (unless I want another dreadful incident) I will be doing some major soul searching and deconstructing so I can rebuild anew. To all my cheerleaders, I know you will tell me not to change a single thing and that I am perfect just the way I am but please refer to my first epiphany. I feel with everything that this person is the one to spend a lifetime with. I could be wrong, I will be hurt again and even yet again still but only time will tell with this. For now, all I know is, I will not be posing for any swim suit pics for the duration of the summer. LOL. I also realize Cuba is further than even Google Search could advise me.
Hopefully not as long as it used to be,
Fat Girl
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Lessons of 2012
I debated whether I would write a blog to draw a close to the end of an amazing year. I am still in debate even as I write it on how this will go so bare with me here. Ahh! Where to begin? What angle do I take?
I want to hold on to this moment forever and yet I know I can't. Many people will not agree with me and with a mix of trepidation and anxiety countdown these final days, hours, and minutes of an earth shattering year.
I witnessed the ugliest part of our society reveal itself and the years of false civility between races dissipate as a young man's, a baby really, much as my brother was, poor light snuffed out too quickly. I saw us split as many justified him being overtaken and killed simply because he LOOKED suspicious. I watched people rationalize that he deserved to die simply because he came from a questionable neighborhood and had a sullied school background. I watched these same people overlook similar behavior from a self appointed neighborhood watch captain who disrespected both my white and my black heritage. The whole time, all that kept playing in my mind is that a child had been gunned down, in the name of protection and defending personal safety and then sat as a John Doe for three days waiting to make it home. I had flash backs of Easter of 2002, when my brother showed up in pieces over the course of a week. I felt these parent's pain as they watched their child villanized and exploited. I finally had to resolve to tune it out or risk entering a great depression, praying that God allow peace to salve over our wounds and that no one, no matter how hateful, ever had the opportunity to feel the incredible pain Trayvon Martin/Jordan Davis/Jeffrey I. Gwyn Jr.'s family as well as countless others feel when not only did they snatch away the light of your life but to have your memories of your loved one raped and violated beyond repair.
I watched a social cause for children soldiers to be saved dissolve into media foolishness. I am saddened to see Joseph Kony and those like him are still alive to take breath and free. We could not hold America's attention long enough. It further destroys my faith when every nuance of media is employed from every angle in the finding and killing of Osama Bin Laden. To make it worst, his violent death and mysterious burial at sea was used as a ploy to pull votes in this, an election year.
Speaking of the election year, it became frightening. I tried to remain impartial to all going on but the rhetoric towards "dirty democrats", "blacks following like sheep", "more Americans sitting at home collecting checks than working", and "WE own this country" inspired me to take a stance as I'd never taken politically before. I didn't get into the mud slinging. While I shut off my friends posts at one time I eventually turned them back on. I still maintain an open mind at the polls and know at the end of the day it had nothing to do with Obama's lack luster first term, Romney's race or religious beliefs. It simply came down to one candidate being the lesser of two evils or rather the less radical of the two. I was standing in the middle of Adventure Land in Walt Disney World as I realized the world had not gone mad as per Facebook and the vast majority realized that at this critical juncture, as the youthful America grows into its adolescent our founding fathers may have been Puritanical White Men but that is as obscure a term and sighting as a Native American. No, this pubescent America with hormones sending us to a fever pitch at the slightest provocation is also a beautiful butterfly made up of a many different shapes and patterns, caught mid metamorphosis, our full potential not yet visualized or even imagined.
So much blood was shed, so many young lives loss at home and overseas. From a midnight showing in Aurora to the recent deaths at Newtown. School shootings, police, and firefighters losing their lives, and athletes taking their lives as well as others. It is insane and incomprehensible and yet every time as a cry goes up for better gun control you have Military and their wives crying out 2nd Amendment rights. What right did these children have? What about the movie theater full of victims just trying to see catch the end of a trilogy? What about all the poor people that suffer from mental health afflictions that are being made into monsters as we try to figure out what the rest of the civilized world did ages ago. Violence is always present from the moments of our birth until our cells seize up in our final breaths. We can't stop it no sooner than we can stop the world from turning, than I can prevent another year from donning, but we must, in order to evolve, attempt to maintain it and slow the process before all is lost. The biggest problem we have now is loss of respect for human life and desensitization to this violence. An almost willing acceptance of it all. I think a good start would be more specific gun control. I don't think military style assault rifles/weapons should be able to be purchased under a single license. I don't believe mass quantities of ammunition should be purchased to a single person or place in a post 9/11 world. I do believe we need a more thorough and universally enforced gun control policy on a federal and state level. Gun shows should be banned all together. I have gun enthusiast friends and I love them for flaunting their skills, particularly since most of them are females and mothers to boot. The reality of the situation goes like this. Technically, I would pass a background check, I have no mental illness. I do have a father who died by a gun and a brother who also took a bullet to the head and was dismembered. I am not crazy buy any stretch but I have the potential. I have demonstrated hostility to officers in the past, I work a stressful job where I was frequently threatened, and was raised in a single parent home along with a lot of other vague details I will spare you. The point is, because I am of sound mind and body, I chose not to make guns a part of my life for all of these reasons that could just as easily be ignored by another soul in similar circumstance. I don't imagine I am the only person who has lived such a violent life. I do find it hard to believe that all of us remain of sound mind and body or handle stress well. While it is my choice if I want to blow my own head off, I am leaning my weight towards making it hard to impossible for those with this type of background to harm others.
So, with all this in mind I'm sure everyone is asking, why again, wouldn't I too want this Godforsaken year to be over with already. For me, though the world turned to rubble, I found myself. It was amazing and my only regret to date was that I didn't find this beautiful young lady a decade ago. Of course the choice to have weight loss surgery is the most prominent change but also my courage in finding my voice. While I admit a talent for turning words, I have always been quiet about expressing my opinion, even afraid to admit that I had one as I watched the world go by. The anger built up from that combined with the inability to let go of the past and forgive myself became my poison. Manifesting in depression, binge eating, and fits rolling and detrimental anger as the world became more and more bleak. I will tell you I did not have an easy go at first and the pain almost consumed me. Getting the surgery approved alone would cost me sleepless nights, more binge eating, and frustration to the point of tears.
Just before the surgery I had decided to step out on faith and return to the fold of the church. It was not an easy task seeing as I worked weekends at the time but I had heard a sermon via the AM Radio that called to me and I found myself entranced by the pastor. I arranged to take that Sunday and the one just after surgery to meet the man in person. I tell you that my life was changed, my spirit was changed that first Sunday. People think it was the surgery and it does play a factor in my outward appearance but God is working on me. The message was "It may look like chaos but God is building a foundation". I cried the whole ceremony but when I walked out of that church I saw with new eyes. I wasn't nervous about the surgery anymore. Anger that I had been holding onto a life time I had to give away. It no longer fit into the image I had of myself. The sadness and tears I had cried for myself I had to dry and smile for all the blessings around me. I saw the people eager to betray me and those that truly admire and support me. I couldn't hold on to the hate though because God filled my heart with too much love. Love for strangers and friends, love for family, and love for myself. I have had many test since. The very minutes I sit here are tests, jobless, only a house note in the bank, and no immediate access to funds. I could be frightened right now. I could have had a miserable holiday. Even worst, I could still be faking it through a job that made me utterly miserable but in finding myself this year, I also found the God in me. I am still learning to listen to the voice inside and he is making a way out of no way.
So, instead of resolutions, in a much improved year, I leave you with lessons I've learned in 2012:
1) We so often say we love the Lord when we can't love ourselves and the other man. When we hold a grudge for the most simple of reasons. Whether you are Christian or otherwise, find your light, what brings you joy and share it with the world. What you put out there will come back if in no other way but make you feel like a better person living in a better world.
2) Forgive yourself and let go. Until you let go of the sandbags holding you down you can't take flight. There may be others in your life that have done you wrong and vengeance may seem like the answer but God will move those people just as he moves this world around the sun in a timeless circle. It doesn't mean you have to embrace that person once He moves them. Forgiving them simply means you are robbing them of the power over your thoughts and will.
3) Fear is our only true obstacle, regardless of what that fear may be. Be brave and beat it back. Let Faith in something be your sword and your dreams be your shield. Life will forever be a war waged but the fleeting joys are the sweetest victories for the perilous road ahead.
And one eternal prayer as we all take a deep breath and march into 2013:
Father, I am not perfect and though I reach for it I will never be. Give me the knowledge to accept that, the strength to forgive, and the courage to carry on even in the darkest of night. Father, shine your light down on me and allow me to in turn be that light for others. May you find rest for the weary, comfort for the sick, and love for those that feel alone and without a voice. God thank you for this life, the good days and the bad. Continue to reveal to me the lessons in every experience as I walk this road and continue to direct my path to fit Your will. In your name I find comfort and peace now and forever more,
Amen.
I want to hold on to this moment forever and yet I know I can't. Many people will not agree with me and with a mix of trepidation and anxiety countdown these final days, hours, and minutes of an earth shattering year.
I witnessed the ugliest part of our society reveal itself and the years of false civility between races dissipate as a young man's, a baby really, much as my brother was, poor light snuffed out too quickly. I saw us split as many justified him being overtaken and killed simply because he LOOKED suspicious. I watched people rationalize that he deserved to die simply because he came from a questionable neighborhood and had a sullied school background. I watched these same people overlook similar behavior from a self appointed neighborhood watch captain who disrespected both my white and my black heritage. The whole time, all that kept playing in my mind is that a child had been gunned down, in the name of protection and defending personal safety and then sat as a John Doe for three days waiting to make it home. I had flash backs of Easter of 2002, when my brother showed up in pieces over the course of a week. I felt these parent's pain as they watched their child villanized and exploited. I finally had to resolve to tune it out or risk entering a great depression, praying that God allow peace to salve over our wounds and that no one, no matter how hateful, ever had the opportunity to feel the incredible pain Trayvon Martin/Jordan Davis/Jeffrey I. Gwyn Jr.'s family as well as countless others feel when not only did they snatch away the light of your life but to have your memories of your loved one raped and violated beyond repair.
I watched a social cause for children soldiers to be saved dissolve into media foolishness. I am saddened to see Joseph Kony and those like him are still alive to take breath and free. We could not hold America's attention long enough. It further destroys my faith when every nuance of media is employed from every angle in the finding and killing of Osama Bin Laden. To make it worst, his violent death and mysterious burial at sea was used as a ploy to pull votes in this, an election year.
Speaking of the election year, it became frightening. I tried to remain impartial to all going on but the rhetoric towards "dirty democrats", "blacks following like sheep", "more Americans sitting at home collecting checks than working", and "WE own this country" inspired me to take a stance as I'd never taken politically before. I didn't get into the mud slinging. While I shut off my friends posts at one time I eventually turned them back on. I still maintain an open mind at the polls and know at the end of the day it had nothing to do with Obama's lack luster first term, Romney's race or religious beliefs. It simply came down to one candidate being the lesser of two evils or rather the less radical of the two. I was standing in the middle of Adventure Land in Walt Disney World as I realized the world had not gone mad as per Facebook and the vast majority realized that at this critical juncture, as the youthful America grows into its adolescent our founding fathers may have been Puritanical White Men but that is as obscure a term and sighting as a Native American. No, this pubescent America with hormones sending us to a fever pitch at the slightest provocation is also a beautiful butterfly made up of a many different shapes and patterns, caught mid metamorphosis, our full potential not yet visualized or even imagined.
So much blood was shed, so many young lives loss at home and overseas. From a midnight showing in Aurora to the recent deaths at Newtown. School shootings, police, and firefighters losing their lives, and athletes taking their lives as well as others. It is insane and incomprehensible and yet every time as a cry goes up for better gun control you have Military and their wives crying out 2nd Amendment rights. What right did these children have? What about the movie theater full of victims just trying to see catch the end of a trilogy? What about all the poor people that suffer from mental health afflictions that are being made into monsters as we try to figure out what the rest of the civilized world did ages ago. Violence is always present from the moments of our birth until our cells seize up in our final breaths. We can't stop it no sooner than we can stop the world from turning, than I can prevent another year from donning, but we must, in order to evolve, attempt to maintain it and slow the process before all is lost. The biggest problem we have now is loss of respect for human life and desensitization to this violence. An almost willing acceptance of it all. I think a good start would be more specific gun control. I don't think military style assault rifles/weapons should be able to be purchased under a single license. I don't believe mass quantities of ammunition should be purchased to a single person or place in a post 9/11 world. I do believe we need a more thorough and universally enforced gun control policy on a federal and state level. Gun shows should be banned all together. I have gun enthusiast friends and I love them for flaunting their skills, particularly since most of them are females and mothers to boot. The reality of the situation goes like this. Technically, I would pass a background check, I have no mental illness. I do have a father who died by a gun and a brother who also took a bullet to the head and was dismembered. I am not crazy buy any stretch but I have the potential. I have demonstrated hostility to officers in the past, I work a stressful job where I was frequently threatened, and was raised in a single parent home along with a lot of other vague details I will spare you. The point is, because I am of sound mind and body, I chose not to make guns a part of my life for all of these reasons that could just as easily be ignored by another soul in similar circumstance. I don't imagine I am the only person who has lived such a violent life. I do find it hard to believe that all of us remain of sound mind and body or handle stress well. While it is my choice if I want to blow my own head off, I am leaning my weight towards making it hard to impossible for those with this type of background to harm others.
So, with all this in mind I'm sure everyone is asking, why again, wouldn't I too want this Godforsaken year to be over with already. For me, though the world turned to rubble, I found myself. It was amazing and my only regret to date was that I didn't find this beautiful young lady a decade ago. Of course the choice to have weight loss surgery is the most prominent change but also my courage in finding my voice. While I admit a talent for turning words, I have always been quiet about expressing my opinion, even afraid to admit that I had one as I watched the world go by. The anger built up from that combined with the inability to let go of the past and forgive myself became my poison. Manifesting in depression, binge eating, and fits rolling and detrimental anger as the world became more and more bleak. I will tell you I did not have an easy go at first and the pain almost consumed me. Getting the surgery approved alone would cost me sleepless nights, more binge eating, and frustration to the point of tears.
Just before the surgery I had decided to step out on faith and return to the fold of the church. It was not an easy task seeing as I worked weekends at the time but I had heard a sermon via the AM Radio that called to me and I found myself entranced by the pastor. I arranged to take that Sunday and the one just after surgery to meet the man in person. I tell you that my life was changed, my spirit was changed that first Sunday. People think it was the surgery and it does play a factor in my outward appearance but God is working on me. The message was "It may look like chaos but God is building a foundation". I cried the whole ceremony but when I walked out of that church I saw with new eyes. I wasn't nervous about the surgery anymore. Anger that I had been holding onto a life time I had to give away. It no longer fit into the image I had of myself. The sadness and tears I had cried for myself I had to dry and smile for all the blessings around me. I saw the people eager to betray me and those that truly admire and support me. I couldn't hold on to the hate though because God filled my heart with too much love. Love for strangers and friends, love for family, and love for myself. I have had many test since. The very minutes I sit here are tests, jobless, only a house note in the bank, and no immediate access to funds. I could be frightened right now. I could have had a miserable holiday. Even worst, I could still be faking it through a job that made me utterly miserable but in finding myself this year, I also found the God in me. I am still learning to listen to the voice inside and he is making a way out of no way.
So, instead of resolutions, in a much improved year, I leave you with lessons I've learned in 2012:
1) We so often say we love the Lord when we can't love ourselves and the other man. When we hold a grudge for the most simple of reasons. Whether you are Christian or otherwise, find your light, what brings you joy and share it with the world. What you put out there will come back if in no other way but make you feel like a better person living in a better world.
2) Forgive yourself and let go. Until you let go of the sandbags holding you down you can't take flight. There may be others in your life that have done you wrong and vengeance may seem like the answer but God will move those people just as he moves this world around the sun in a timeless circle. It doesn't mean you have to embrace that person once He moves them. Forgiving them simply means you are robbing them of the power over your thoughts and will.
3) Fear is our only true obstacle, regardless of what that fear may be. Be brave and beat it back. Let Faith in something be your sword and your dreams be your shield. Life will forever be a war waged but the fleeting joys are the sweetest victories for the perilous road ahead.
And one eternal prayer as we all take a deep breath and march into 2013:
Father, I am not perfect and though I reach for it I will never be. Give me the knowledge to accept that, the strength to forgive, and the courage to carry on even in the darkest of night. Father, shine your light down on me and allow me to in turn be that light for others. May you find rest for the weary, comfort for the sick, and love for those that feel alone and without a voice. God thank you for this life, the good days and the bad. Continue to reveal to me the lessons in every experience as I walk this road and continue to direct my path to fit Your will. In your name I find comfort and peace now and forever more,
Amen.
Monday, December 24, 2012
Merry Christmas
So we survived the Mayan Apocalypse. The 21st was rather underwhelming. I also survived my final week of work which included a midnight showing of The Hobbit and back to back work days. I have went to one final Christmas party and skipped out on another which quickly became a national crisis. I have received multiple blessings in this holiday season and continue to pray for one more, a new job. Until then I am focusing on getting myself into college again and hopefully finishing up my Bachelors. We shall see. I'm taking it one day at a time.
I am 263lbs now, 114lbs and dropping. I am incorporating protein more doggedly so the weight loss has slowed again but so has my hair loss and the sizes continue to drop. I am working on sliding into a size 18. I now can wear a size 20. That is down from a size 28/30. Of course I want to be smaller but this is in only 7 months and I can't be sad or discouraged. My life has been completely changed!
I have had so many experiences and emotions raging throughout November and December and find it difficult now to articulate them so I'm making this a short post. I may or may not post New Years Resolutions. I just don't believe there should be an exact time to improve upon yourself and everyday we awake, from the brink of death, we have a chance to start something great in a commonly mediocre life. If you see an opportunity grab it. Even the mistakes are worth the effort we exert and experience we gain.
Happy Holidays and One Love,
Fat Girl
I am 263lbs now, 114lbs and dropping. I am incorporating protein more doggedly so the weight loss has slowed again but so has my hair loss and the sizes continue to drop. I am working on sliding into a size 18. I now can wear a size 20. That is down from a size 28/30. Of course I want to be smaller but this is in only 7 months and I can't be sad or discouraged. My life has been completely changed!
I have had so many experiences and emotions raging throughout November and December and find it difficult now to articulate them so I'm making this a short post. I may or may not post New Years Resolutions. I just don't believe there should be an exact time to improve upon yourself and everyday we awake, from the brink of death, we have a chance to start something great in a commonly mediocre life. If you see an opportunity grab it. Even the mistakes are worth the effort we exert and experience we gain.
Happy Holidays and One Love,
Fat Girl
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Christmas/Wish List
Just blowing off some steam tonight. No particular motivation or relevance. Just have been wanting to make a "bucket list" of sorts and hopefully this time next year I can look back on all I've crossed off. In five years I hope I'll need to write a new list ;-)
1. Specialty.
2. House.
3. A Child/Children.
4. Soul Mate.
5. Passport.
6. Trip to Ireland.
7. European cruise.
8. Publish a novel.
9. A will/living will.
10. No debt. (including student loans)
11. Lasik surgery.
12. Breast enhancement.
13. Trip to London.
14. Trip to Paris.
15. Cross country train ride.
16. A1A roadtrip.
17. Participate in one marathon.
18. Own/be an active partner in a small business.
19. Move out of Florida.
20. See Hawaii.
21. Reach/maintain a size 14.
1. Specialty.
2. House.
3. A Child/Children.
4. Soul Mate.
5. Passport.
6. Trip to Ireland.
7. European cruise.
8. Publish a novel.
9. A will/living will.
10. No debt. (including student loans)
11. Lasik surgery.
12. Breast enhancement.
13. Trip to London.
14. Trip to Paris.
15. Cross country train ride.
16. A1A roadtrip.
17. Participate in one marathon.
18. Own/be an active partner in a small business.
19. Move out of Florida.
20. See Hawaii.
21. Reach/maintain a size 14.
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Tomato Soup, Walking, and Hair Loss
First off I would like to apologize for not posting at least once in October. I was not in a proper state of mind. For the entire month I lost a grand total of 9lbs and held at that weight or a pound variance for probably 3 weeks. Last week I did have a breakthrough, from sticking to my exercise regimen and my diet, not getting discouraged. My current weight is 278 and if you haven't been keeping track, that is 99lbs total. This has been a hard fought 11lbs down and I will continue to endeavor until I reach Onderland.
That leads me to the first topic, my diet. I know I have friends and family trying to help but you really aren't. If following advice of everyone led to weight loss I would be a svelt 99lb waif from all the advice I've taken in, listened to, or dismissed over the years. Please refer to previous posts if you are reading this and somehow know me without being aware, as the Lady Gaga song goes: I was born this way! Not to say I don't have love for all my cheerleaders, that will never change. I only mean to say that this is my journey and the one voice I haven't listened to in all these years is my own inner voice. This is the only voice I am ultimately listening to now. She knows me best after all ;-)
So what is my diet? My diet is everything/anything I want to eat. I can eat literally anything 6 months (-10 days) post op. That's what makes it challenging. It is up to me to make those choices on what is best. What is best for me, is not always what everyone agrees upon. By this, I mean, the tomato soup (see title). Prime example: I have either one of two reactions to seeing my lunch selection at work which is MOST often tomato soup and applesauce. I get someone wearing an appalled expression that this will be all I am eating for a 13 hour period with a shake of their head. Or I get the person warning me of how much sodium those canned soups have and they tell me to be careful with eating that all the time. Well fine friends, here are the facts: I don't cook, I never have because I don't like to, not because I can't. I take care of my mother full time. There is no other local family members that can or is willing to help. This means I'm not getting in the kitchen to prepare anything. A healthy alternative or the healthiest for me is to pick up a can of Campbell's Soup. If they have a Healthy Request brand then I choose that one. If not I get Classic Tomato or Creamy Tomato soup. The protein ranges from 3-5gm which is pitiful. The calorie count varies from 80-180 (Creamy is the highest). The fat is 5gm (8% of your daily total). Last the cholesterol is 5mg out of a daily 2000mg allowance and the Sodium a whopping 650mg which is over a quarter of your daily allowance, also 2000mg. I'm sure there is a Biggest Loser fan out there cringing in fright BUT it works for me. I have 30 minutes tops for lunch on a good day, in which time I check in with my mother and assure she has usually made it home safely from dialysis. I don't have time to get too fancy. If you look at the average heat and eat meal you will see that astounding 650 mg of sodium is actually pretty low compared and I'm not even going to talk about getting food from the cafeteria. I'll be lucky if I survive the day! It allows me to drink my lunch quickly and get back to work quicker. If I try to throw down something more complex it makes me nauseous immediately after until it settles and a case of bubble gut for the rest of the shift. While this sounds uncomfortable for me (which it is) imagine being the poor patient stuck in bed, trying to learn how to self administer an insulin shot while being distracted by a nurse who is hiccuping with a case of the BGs. NOT COOL! I think it's better for us all if I stick to my 240 calorie lunch for 3 out of 7 days a week. I hope in the future to find a more health conscious lunch choice along with more time to eat that lunch but in the mean time I think I'm not doing so bad.
The other thing I've always gotten tons of advice on is my exercise regimen (see previous posts). At the end of September I just decided to go with what I know and enjoy. That is walking and running. Now I am not run ready as of yet but I practice and I am getting there. At least 3 times a week I set aside time and I walk 4 miles. Some of those times I will walk with 3lb weights (x2) and I have a ball. I participated in a 2K walk and I am planning to attend more as my schedule changes. Now when I say I walk, I don't want you to think I am traipsing up my street at a leisurely pace. I go to Ed Austin Park on Monument Rd and McCormick, I put on my head phones and I haul ass, my wide flat ass. I walk at too fast a pace to carry a conversation and it is on alternating terrain and incline. Every week I try to adjust the speed and time I am sprinting to have a switch up on my body. It seems to have worked so far. This is my official "hmmph" to everyone that keeps trying to push me into things that are not me. I don't want to Zumbaa. It looks fun...for someone else. I failed miserably at it and while I may make another attempt someday, I won't be relying on it as an exercise regimen. I am not doing or promising to do anything I don't feel 100% comfortable with. I would only be lying to myself which would be the unhealthiest habit of all and lead no where good...for me. Hey, besides, walking clears my mind and I got a thumbs up from the closest person I can refer to as a walking partner, a man in his mid to late fifties (I am guessing) who in warm weather was always dressed as if he was going on Safari. I have dubbed him "Safari Man" (refer to 90s show Martin to get this joke).
I have also begun wearing size 22/24 clothes, which was what I was wearing my Senior year in highschool. This prompted me to pull out clothes I haven't seen in a while/were donated from a friend and it gave me a harsh revelation into my career path. Apparently, I settled for my current job. That is not to say I don't love being a nurse but I think I have hidden behind it because it's safe. I don't have to dress up and I didn't. Blue scrubs have become my permenant wardrobe outside of my walking clothes. I never wear make-up (which I can) and earrings/french tips are a common sense no-no. As I have said since highschool, I dream of also being a novelist. I dreamed of taking nursing to the next level and eventually being a Cancer Research nurse. I planned to become an active member in the Black Nurses Society and the local chapter of ONS. None of that has happened and as much as I want to blame other factors, at the end of the day, I sold myself short. I can do better and I will endeavor, as I reach the ripe old age of 33, to actually do better.
Finally, my hair loss update. I have lost a ton of hair in the last couple of months. At first it seemed that it was due to the surgery (alopecia is a common/expected side effect caused by malabsorption). The only problem with that logic was I had a Vertical Sleeve which is different in that it does not work by malabsorption and instead only reduces the size of the stomach, much like a gastric band. Again people were helpful in offering their advice and I did everything from cut my hair in September with bi weekly scalp treatment to suggest to my primary doctor I wanted to be on Biotin/Prenatal vitamins to help it. In the end, on a hunch, my doctor suggested a Vitamin D deficiency and prescribed me some supplements. It's been about a month now and while I am still losing a good bit of hair it is no where near the amount I was losing. I am no longer at risk for being bald and the cut I got earlier in September combined with it's thinning have my hair really looking healthy.
So the bottom line: I need to stop worrying and I need to keep tuning out other people. Again, I love the cheerleaders in my life but I also hear alot of negative/critical things as well. Whether people mean it or not, it's nothing to do with the people around me, it is about building on me. I deserve more and you only get it from being better with every new day than you were the day before, not by someone else's yardstick, only your own will get the measurement just right.
Until next time,
Fat Girl
That leads me to the first topic, my diet. I know I have friends and family trying to help but you really aren't. If following advice of everyone led to weight loss I would be a svelt 99lb waif from all the advice I've taken in, listened to, or dismissed over the years. Please refer to previous posts if you are reading this and somehow know me without being aware, as the Lady Gaga song goes: I was born this way! Not to say I don't have love for all my cheerleaders, that will never change. I only mean to say that this is my journey and the one voice I haven't listened to in all these years is my own inner voice. This is the only voice I am ultimately listening to now. She knows me best after all ;-)
So what is my diet? My diet is everything/anything I want to eat. I can eat literally anything 6 months (-10 days) post op. That's what makes it challenging. It is up to me to make those choices on what is best. What is best for me, is not always what everyone agrees upon. By this, I mean, the tomato soup (see title). Prime example: I have either one of two reactions to seeing my lunch selection at work which is MOST often tomato soup and applesauce. I get someone wearing an appalled expression that this will be all I am eating for a 13 hour period with a shake of their head. Or I get the person warning me of how much sodium those canned soups have and they tell me to be careful with eating that all the time. Well fine friends, here are the facts: I don't cook, I never have because I don't like to, not because I can't. I take care of my mother full time. There is no other local family members that can or is willing to help. This means I'm not getting in the kitchen to prepare anything. A healthy alternative or the healthiest for me is to pick up a can of Campbell's Soup. If they have a Healthy Request brand then I choose that one. If not I get Classic Tomato or Creamy Tomato soup. The protein ranges from 3-5gm which is pitiful. The calorie count varies from 80-180 (Creamy is the highest). The fat is 5gm (8% of your daily total). Last the cholesterol is 5mg out of a daily 2000mg allowance and the Sodium a whopping 650mg which is over a quarter of your daily allowance, also 2000mg. I'm sure there is a Biggest Loser fan out there cringing in fright BUT it works for me. I have 30 minutes tops for lunch on a good day, in which time I check in with my mother and assure she has usually made it home safely from dialysis. I don't have time to get too fancy. If you look at the average heat and eat meal you will see that astounding 650 mg of sodium is actually pretty low compared and I'm not even going to talk about getting food from the cafeteria. I'll be lucky if I survive the day! It allows me to drink my lunch quickly and get back to work quicker. If I try to throw down something more complex it makes me nauseous immediately after until it settles and a case of bubble gut for the rest of the shift. While this sounds uncomfortable for me (which it is) imagine being the poor patient stuck in bed, trying to learn how to self administer an insulin shot while being distracted by a nurse who is hiccuping with a case of the BGs. NOT COOL! I think it's better for us all if I stick to my 240 calorie lunch for 3 out of 7 days a week. I hope in the future to find a more health conscious lunch choice along with more time to eat that lunch but in the mean time I think I'm not doing so bad.
The other thing I've always gotten tons of advice on is my exercise regimen (see previous posts). At the end of September I just decided to go with what I know and enjoy. That is walking and running. Now I am not run ready as of yet but I practice and I am getting there. At least 3 times a week I set aside time and I walk 4 miles. Some of those times I will walk with 3lb weights (x2) and I have a ball. I participated in a 2K walk and I am planning to attend more as my schedule changes. Now when I say I walk, I don't want you to think I am traipsing up my street at a leisurely pace. I go to Ed Austin Park on Monument Rd and McCormick, I put on my head phones and I haul ass, my wide flat ass. I walk at too fast a pace to carry a conversation and it is on alternating terrain and incline. Every week I try to adjust the speed and time I am sprinting to have a switch up on my body. It seems to have worked so far. This is my official "hmmph" to everyone that keeps trying to push me into things that are not me. I don't want to Zumbaa. It looks fun...for someone else. I failed miserably at it and while I may make another attempt someday, I won't be relying on it as an exercise regimen. I am not doing or promising to do anything I don't feel 100% comfortable with. I would only be lying to myself which would be the unhealthiest habit of all and lead no where good...for me. Hey, besides, walking clears my mind and I got a thumbs up from the closest person I can refer to as a walking partner, a man in his mid to late fifties (I am guessing) who in warm weather was always dressed as if he was going on Safari. I have dubbed him "Safari Man" (refer to 90s show Martin to get this joke).
I have also begun wearing size 22/24 clothes, which was what I was wearing my Senior year in highschool. This prompted me to pull out clothes I haven't seen in a while/were donated from a friend and it gave me a harsh revelation into my career path. Apparently, I settled for my current job. That is not to say I don't love being a nurse but I think I have hidden behind it because it's safe. I don't have to dress up and I didn't. Blue scrubs have become my permenant wardrobe outside of my walking clothes. I never wear make-up (which I can) and earrings/french tips are a common sense no-no. As I have said since highschool, I dream of also being a novelist. I dreamed of taking nursing to the next level and eventually being a Cancer Research nurse. I planned to become an active member in the Black Nurses Society and the local chapter of ONS. None of that has happened and as much as I want to blame other factors, at the end of the day, I sold myself short. I can do better and I will endeavor, as I reach the ripe old age of 33, to actually do better.
Finally, my hair loss update. I have lost a ton of hair in the last couple of months. At first it seemed that it was due to the surgery (alopecia is a common/expected side effect caused by malabsorption). The only problem with that logic was I had a Vertical Sleeve which is different in that it does not work by malabsorption and instead only reduces the size of the stomach, much like a gastric band. Again people were helpful in offering their advice and I did everything from cut my hair in September with bi weekly scalp treatment to suggest to my primary doctor I wanted to be on Biotin/Prenatal vitamins to help it. In the end, on a hunch, my doctor suggested a Vitamin D deficiency and prescribed me some supplements. It's been about a month now and while I am still losing a good bit of hair it is no where near the amount I was losing. I am no longer at risk for being bald and the cut I got earlier in September combined with it's thinning have my hair really looking healthy.
So the bottom line: I need to stop worrying and I need to keep tuning out other people. Again, I love the cheerleaders in my life but I also hear alot of negative/critical things as well. Whether people mean it or not, it's nothing to do with the people around me, it is about building on me. I deserve more and you only get it from being better with every new day than you were the day before, not by someone else's yardstick, only your own will get the measurement just right.
Until next time,
Fat Girl
Monday, September 24, 2012
Beyond the weight
I am currently weighing in at 287lbs. That brings my total to 90lbs and I am hitting probably my third hurdle. Most people call these plateaus but I refuse because I will get through this and the plateau indicates stagnancy to me. So, here is my first major hurdle because I am also coming to realize the next half of this weight loss is an all or nothing effort.
The Zumba thing is a work in progress. The skating thing is a pray about it situation. It is now too cold to swim and that leaves me walking. This mornings walk of 4 miles felt great. I did it in 64 minutes and that felt amazing. My arms are sore but in the best way possible. I will succeed and reach goal weight, I do work hard for this. My weight loss surgery only helped me in what I knew was necessary. I have too much at stake not to do more. In the mean time, I promise not to say anything else about what I'm going to do. Apparently a few people in my life have become upset that I talk so much and don't follow through. At the end of the day I think my definition of follow through is different than theirs. On this blog, I promise to try what ever it takes to make a better me. It doesn't mean that I enjoy it, that it's successful, and/or that I will do it more than once. I'm not mad, just focused and when I hear negativity or get side eyed it impacts me negatively. Along that thought process, instead of telling people to get lost, I will just keep my mouth shut and my feet moving.
I am preparing for competition. In June 2013 I am sprinting a 100 yard course with my brother to have him give up smoking. Of all the motivation, this one moves me the most. I can do this. I was born a runner. If you don't know, ask my brother. Hey, you can even ask the purse snatcher I ran down to take back my purse. My nickname should be Kid Adrenaline because while I might look like a big, slow, cow I have always had the wind beneath my feet. All my friends can tell you regardless of my size I move fast. A lot faster than I talk so don't get it twisted. You might be surprised and since my brother has apparently forgotten, he will be too.
School is holding still again. I have to wait until January to start but I'm making progress. Instead of the 30 credits I had to take at UCF I will have to complete 22 at JU. I was asked if I'm ready. Hmm, to take a specialty and get the heck out of the hospital, BSN, OCN, and Dialysis certified. Why yes I am! Working this hard doesn't make any sense! Next career path please! I mean God bless those that make a hospital their life time work but I am not nor will I ever be one of them. My plans are to enjoy this new body and better frame of mind, not be broken by 35. For all those that read the blog regularly then you know that age is decreasing for me. That place is just too much.
For all curious on my vague post recently on men, I am not dating. I haven't even had a nibble. I don't know what that is about but let me just say that I really want a sweetie by V-day. Not for the candy and cards. I am just ready for change and I feel like, with all of my goals if I set them, develop them, and not let myself toss them aside or forget, 5-6 months, when I'm about 220 and looking about 180, I should be attracting some attention. I don't want to be married but I'm not soliciting a sex partner either, I just want companionship from someone outside of my friends and family. Sometimes I feel totally alone, tight rope walking, without a safety net. I don't have another person that I can lean on. For years I have relied on my friends to be my support system while I was going through my many issues but lately I find no one cares. I was leaving work Saturday night and was an hour late and I realized no one cared. I called my brother to ask him about some random nothingness and he rushed me off the phone. Neither one of my girlfriends called me back. No one had checked my facebook status that day. Heck, my own mother hung up the phone on me because she had a headache. So as I'm driving down beach looking at the 295 South signs I wondered if anyone would give a dang if I just got on the highway and disappeared to nowhere or met my demise? How long would it take anyone to realize I was gone? This is what it is like to be utterly alone in a crowded room.
Not going to sink into that pity pool though. I need to regroup and change that aspect of my life by whatever means necessary. That is not to say I want 10 calls each night I work asking how my day was and if I'm doing good, bad, or the other (remember, antisocial butterfly). It simply means that, I can't expect the world to slow down and cater to Tish, I've got to find that someone and make the effort. If I'm not a priority to anyone then maybe I should start focusing on first making a priority of myself and then actively seeking someone that shares that view.
This also doesn't mean I'm depressed or in a dark place. To be honest, I feel great both physically, mentally, as well as emotionally. I just want more and so you guys can understand all that makes up me, I need you to see that I am capable of getting more.
Until next time, One love,
Fat Girl aka "Kid Adrenaline" ;-)
The Zumba thing is a work in progress. The skating thing is a pray about it situation. It is now too cold to swim and that leaves me walking. This mornings walk of 4 miles felt great. I did it in 64 minutes and that felt amazing. My arms are sore but in the best way possible. I will succeed and reach goal weight, I do work hard for this. My weight loss surgery only helped me in what I knew was necessary. I have too much at stake not to do more. In the mean time, I promise not to say anything else about what I'm going to do. Apparently a few people in my life have become upset that I talk so much and don't follow through. At the end of the day I think my definition of follow through is different than theirs. On this blog, I promise to try what ever it takes to make a better me. It doesn't mean that I enjoy it, that it's successful, and/or that I will do it more than once. I'm not mad, just focused and when I hear negativity or get side eyed it impacts me negatively. Along that thought process, instead of telling people to get lost, I will just keep my mouth shut and my feet moving.
I am preparing for competition. In June 2013 I am sprinting a 100 yard course with my brother to have him give up smoking. Of all the motivation, this one moves me the most. I can do this. I was born a runner. If you don't know, ask my brother. Hey, you can even ask the purse snatcher I ran down to take back my purse. My nickname should be Kid Adrenaline because while I might look like a big, slow, cow I have always had the wind beneath my feet. All my friends can tell you regardless of my size I move fast. A lot faster than I talk so don't get it twisted. You might be surprised and since my brother has apparently forgotten, he will be too.
School is holding still again. I have to wait until January to start but I'm making progress. Instead of the 30 credits I had to take at UCF I will have to complete 22 at JU. I was asked if I'm ready. Hmm, to take a specialty and get the heck out of the hospital, BSN, OCN, and Dialysis certified. Why yes I am! Working this hard doesn't make any sense! Next career path please! I mean God bless those that make a hospital their life time work but I am not nor will I ever be one of them. My plans are to enjoy this new body and better frame of mind, not be broken by 35. For all those that read the blog regularly then you know that age is decreasing for me. That place is just too much.
For all curious on my vague post recently on men, I am not dating. I haven't even had a nibble. I don't know what that is about but let me just say that I really want a sweetie by V-day. Not for the candy and cards. I am just ready for change and I feel like, with all of my goals if I set them, develop them, and not let myself toss them aside or forget, 5-6 months, when I'm about 220 and looking about 180, I should be attracting some attention. I don't want to be married but I'm not soliciting a sex partner either, I just want companionship from someone outside of my friends and family. Sometimes I feel totally alone, tight rope walking, without a safety net. I don't have another person that I can lean on. For years I have relied on my friends to be my support system while I was going through my many issues but lately I find no one cares. I was leaving work Saturday night and was an hour late and I realized no one cared. I called my brother to ask him about some random nothingness and he rushed me off the phone. Neither one of my girlfriends called me back. No one had checked my facebook status that day. Heck, my own mother hung up the phone on me because she had a headache. So as I'm driving down beach looking at the 295 South signs I wondered if anyone would give a dang if I just got on the highway and disappeared to nowhere or met my demise? How long would it take anyone to realize I was gone? This is what it is like to be utterly alone in a crowded room.
Not going to sink into that pity pool though. I need to regroup and change that aspect of my life by whatever means necessary. That is not to say I want 10 calls each night I work asking how my day was and if I'm doing good, bad, or the other (remember, antisocial butterfly). It simply means that, I can't expect the world to slow down and cater to Tish, I've got to find that someone and make the effort. If I'm not a priority to anyone then maybe I should start focusing on first making a priority of myself and then actively seeking someone that shares that view.
This also doesn't mean I'm depressed or in a dark place. To be honest, I feel great both physically, mentally, as well as emotionally. I just want more and so you guys can understand all that makes up me, I need you to see that I am capable of getting more.
Until next time, One love,
Fat Girl aka "Kid Adrenaline" ;-)
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